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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26412256">Trust Exercises</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/overunderachiever/pseuds/overunderachiever'>overunderachiever</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Soulmate September 2020 [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Janus is insecure sorta, M/M, Meet-Cute, Pre-Relationship, and Virgil is reassuring, negative self-talk, rated T because of, that's what I meant to put, wait Janus is self-loathing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:27:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,358</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26412256</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/overunderachiever/pseuds/overunderachiever</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus has lied his way through his whole life because it's far easier than hurting people by getting too close to them. He always planned to push his soulmate away as soon as he met them, but when he finasolly does he finds its not so easy. And he finds he doesn't want to.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Soulmate September 2020 [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1872199</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>135</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Trust Exercises</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I really don't know where this premise came from, I've hardly read any sympathetic-Janus anxceit (purely cause I cant find much), let alone anything where its Virgil comforting Janus.</p><p>Also Janus may be a little OOC but that's probably because I didn't go into enough detail.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janus had a very strained relationship with morality. Lying was not a problem for him and he was generally of the opinion that what you don't know can't hurt you. This had proved true - if people didn't really know him them he would be less likely to hurt them.</p><p>He was good at lying. It was simple really - just convey what you want to be true rather than what really is, make the lie big enough to be believable, repeat it often enough, never get into a situation where the lie will be revealed, and its as good as true.</p><p>Why bother telling people the truth when he could give them what they wanted to hear? It made everything easier in the long run.</p><p>There would be only one person he wouldn't be able to lie to - his soulmate - but Janus hardly needed to worry about that. He probably didn't have one anyway, and if he did then the poor unfortunate person would just have to very quickly realise that he was a terrible person and they would leave. That way, Janus wouldn't end up hurting them and he could go on being perfectly content on his own.</p><p>(What Janus didn't account for was the possibility that his soulmate might actually care.)</p><p>Janus had a little ritual - every time he met a new person the first thing he would say was "the sky is pink", just to quickly establish that they weren't soulmates. That was a much easier option than going about your life until it slowly dawns on you, like most people did.</p><p>Janus wanted to know right from the start who his soulmate was so he would know he would have to me more careful with how he spoke. It wouldn't do to accidentally reveal something about himself that he didn't want them to know.</p><p>He had a system, and the system worked. Until it didn't.</p><p>It was dusk, Janus' favourite time of the day. He wasn't sure why he had a favourite time of day but there was just something about the time after sunset when it was just still light but everything was getting quieter and winding down. He was talking a stroll, just around the park and back, when a sudden breeze caught his had and blew it back down the path, too quick for Janus to catch it.</p><p>As he turned, he saw a young man in a purple-patch hoodie with fading dyed hair bend to pick it up. He had the most striking grey eyes.</p><p>"Uh this is yours isn't it?"</p><p>Janus took the hat back, placing it more firmly on his head. "Yes thank you, the sky is blue."</p><p>"Pardon?"</p><p>"The sky is blue...wait." <em>Pink, the sky is pink, say it! </em>"The sky is blue-<em>dammit</em>. Ahem, never mind about that, just a little something I say..." He tried to cover up his mistake. Why did he have to meet his soulmate now of all times? And why did the guy have to be so pretty? Now, he <em>wanted </em>to get to know him!</p><p>“Wait...the sky is pp-blue...oh shit! I can’t lie! You’re my soulmate! Ok. Right. I’m Virgil...” the man trailed off, starting to twist the hem of his hoodie in nervousness. He was giving Janus a small half-smile and was looking at him so intently.</p><p>Janus was frozen where he stood. He didn't know what to do. All his life he had planned that when he met his soulmate, if he ever did, he would tell them straight as way that he didn’t care about them, and would only hurt them in the end, and they could go their separate ways without ever having to go through the whole attempting a relationship only for it to fail when his soulmate realised just how much of an insufferable asshole he was, and how unworthy of a soulmate he was.</p><p>But now his soulmate was right there in front of him, looking so hopeful and like he was trying his damn hardest and not run away himself.</p><p>He didn’t know what to do. And Janus hated not knowing what to do.</p><p>For a moment he tried to say something, anything to wipe away the dawning confusion and slowly growing hurt on his soulmate’s face. But nothing came out.</p><p>He couldn't do this.</p><p>Janus turned and walked away.</p><p>“Oh no you don’t!”</p><p>There were footsteps behind him and suddenly Virgil was in front of him, with a fierce determination on his face, barely masking the hurt that Janus realised with a twinge that he himself had put there. “Hey what’s wrong? I don’t mean to be pushy, we can literally just hang out some time and see how it goes...” he trailed off.</p><p>Janus still could find his voice. He couldn’t bare to hurt this man, despite having only just met, but he knew it would happen sooner or later.</p><p>“If you’re like scared or something, I totally get that. Uh, I’m terrified too.”</p><p>Janus realised with a start that this was completely true. His soulmate couldn’t lie to him so anything he said was bound to be truthful. He tried to find the words for what he wanted to say.</p><p>“It’s nothing you’ve done...” he started, throat feeling very tight, “and I’m not scared...”</p><p>
  <em>It’s me. I’m the problem. I’m not worth your time or your effort to try and have any sort of functioning relationship with me. I’m a terrible person, I ruin everything, I don’t care about you, and you shouldn’t care about me.</em>
</p><p>But he couldn’t say it. He needed a work-around.</p><p>“I could name so many times I have ruined something wonderful, or hurt someone because-” <em>that’s just how I am.</em></p><p>He tried again: “<em>I</em> wouldn’t make the time or effort for myself so you- I <em>don’t</em> <em>think</em> you should try either. I want to care about you- no wait. I’m <em>trying</em> to tell you I <em>don’t</em> care about you and I <em>never</em> will and so I <em>don’t</em> think you should care about me <em>either</em>.”</p><p>“Then say it.”</p><p>“What? Virgil, you heard what I said-”</p><p>“Tell me that you don’t deserve this change at happiness, that you don’t want it. Tell me you are truly unlovable and I will believe you.”</p><p>“I- I can’t. I don’t... I don’t understand...why cant I say it? I can’t say what I want to. I...”</p><p>“If it were true you’d be able to say it.”</p><p>The words were like a punch to the chest.</p><p>“Look, I get it, I do. I’m terrified about screwing up. But I know this is a thing that will probably take work, like all relationships do. Sure the universe threw us together and said here, like it or not you’re stuck together now. But this is something <em>precious</em>. If we’re careful, I know we can made it work. I can’t lie to you. I know we can make this something wonderful.”</p><p>Yet again, Janus couldn’t speak.</p><p>“Neither of us are perfect, but we can at least trust each other and that is so important.” Virgil smiled softly and Janus realised it was a sight he never wanted to stop seeing, “I think we’ll make quite the team really, a pair of utter bitches.”</p><p>Janus felt himself believe it - he wanted to so, <em>so </em>much. But as Virgil, his soulmate, had said it, he knew it was true.</p><p>“My...my name is Janus.”</p><p>Virgil smiled, a beautiful, soft, precious thing. “Hey, we both have cool names! ...um you can say no but...would you like a hug?” He opened his arms a little, an invitation.</p><p>Janus forced himself to just breathe, a slow exhale as he let himself relax. He could do this. Fate had told him this was the one person in the universe he could trust, and could be completely open with, so he could do this. That was what it meant, being soulmates.</p><p>He stepped forward into Virgil’s waiting arms, wrapping his own around him tightly and allowing himself to just be held, to feel warm and safe with another person for the first time he could ever remember.</p><p>~~*~~</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I feel like this should have been longer and set over more time. I kinda want to take this premise and expand it into a multi-chaptered fic but I don't know if I would ever get round to doing it. Idk I just feel like the idea and characters should have been explored more.</p><p>Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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